As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
