the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
