This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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