I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
