Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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