I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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