I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize