when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
