I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
