I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
