You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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