every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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