did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
