Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
