Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
