i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize