Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
