did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
