Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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