We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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