I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
