fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
