It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
