Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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