I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
