my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
