he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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