Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
These tits shall not be calmed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
