i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize