Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
