its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
