that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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