I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
