Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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