My first STD was from a foam party
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
