She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize