I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
