Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
