Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
