he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
