i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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