hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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