so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
