The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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