i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
