last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
