If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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