things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
