I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
