lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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