Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
