So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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