Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
