We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
